Messy Music is my anti-perfection project.
While studying with the Open University I was having a really hard time with my mental health. They appointed me a Mental Health Support Worker called Maria. I thought my problems were related to anxiety and grief from losing one of my wee companion cats, Cookie. But Maria pointed out the absolutely unrealistic expectations I was having for myself with all my assignments, setting myself up for disappointment every time – no matter how well I did.
Later, I was having ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) Therapy for OCD with a wonderful NHS clinical psychologist called Nicola. Towards the end of this therapy, we talked about the perfectionism Nicola recognised in me, and the unhappiness it was bringing me – as well as the danger it presented to my ongoing wellbeing in the future.
Messy Music is my attempt to deconstruct and destabilise my own perfectionism. It’s a bit like exposure therapy – I’m trying to learn to tolerate my own imperfection, challenge my feelings of disgust towards myself and my perceived lack of ability. And I’m doing it publicly because I know that I’m far from the only classically trained musician who’s debilitated by these type of thoughts and feelings.
It’s important to say that this isn’t a standard recommended therapy I’m demonstrating here. This is a unique project, which I discussed with a healthcare profession who had extensive knowledge of my health before commencing. I’d recommend anyone struggling with the type of negativity I’ve been experiencing consults a professional to work out how you can best move forward in a way unique to your own needs.